Germ Waste Management

I rarely get sick, and I'm proud of that fact and the reason for it. Although some people find it gross or even repulsive, ask them what they think about it when they're huddled over a toilet bowl with the stomach flu. The reason that I rarely get sick is because I'm very tempered from germs -- meaning, my body has a lot of experience in handling germ situations. In fact, my body is a professional when it comes to Germ Waste Management, straight up Tony Soprano style. Bada bing, bada bang!

As a kid I didn't wash my hands every hour on the hour (like some parents encourage their kids to do), or even every time I used the bathroom. I washed my hands only when they were really filthy. I "cleaned-out" my nose whenever I felt like it needed some attention. When I dropped food on the floor I would pick it up and eat it, most of the time without "wiping it off."

Although, growing up, I didn't know a thing about Charles Darwin, or human evolution for that matter. I know now that human beings have survived and evolved into a species well-capable of handling viruses and other illnesses. It's those who for much of their lives are not exposed to many (or any) germs and viruses whose insides are liquidated when they finally are. Evolution would allow for these people to die off quickly, never to have their own "germ-virgin" children. Modern medicine has changed that, unfortunately.

By practicing my method of non-cleanliness, I've afforded my body ample time to learn, re-learn, practice, and perfect its natural process of germ-elimination.

Now, don't get me wrong, about once a year some super-hybrid-cyborg-virus will ambush my white blood cells while they are resting peacefully, catching them off-guard. When that happens, it generally takes them a day or so to mobilize their forces and kick the shit out of the invaders.

My advice to those who don't like the inconvenience of being sick with a cold, the flu, et cetera: don't be so goddamn clean! Don't wash your hands more than two or three times a day; don't throw away perfectly good (or better) food just because it also falls under the laws of gravity; and don't recoil in disgust when someone sneezes or coughs near you.

Get plenty of exercise and rest (and vitamins if you think you need them), and you'll be just fine...every day!

Insufficient Banking

I discovered last week that my bank card was not being accepted anywhere, despite having funds in my checking account. I called the number given to me on an ATM receipt. I was told that there was an "alert" on my card; the person helping me could not tell me what the alert was about, nor could he fix the alert.

I visited my local branch last Friday just before their closing time. Chris, who was helping me, said that he had found the problem, but that it was too late in the evening to contact the appropriate person to fix it. He said that he would have it fixed on Saturday morning. On Sunday I tried to use my card.....nada.

This afternoon, I called the branch. Chris passed me to Marybelle, whom he said was the person who put this "alert" on the card and was the only one who could take the alert off. Marybelle told me that the alert was due to the frequency of my checking account being overdrawn, and that she was not going to remove it until my account had remained positive for at least ninety days. This was no good.

I told her that I understood their preventative approach to this issue, but that it made no logical sense. First of all, as I explained to her, even though my account balance is frequently overdrawn, direct payroll deposits are made into my account twice per month, which results in a positive balance.

Secondly, I pointed out that because of the overdrawn balance, I have paid over $900 in overdraft fees since I opened the account. This is not money that I get back when my account is positive. This is money that the bank keeps, which I find reasonable and have always understood. Let me explain.

Since the free checking boom began several years ago, banks no longer receive the funds that were previously charged for checking accounts. These days, those funds are replaced by outrageous fees, especially the overdraft fees they charge for every transaction that results in a negative balance.

Therefore, they should not block me from using my bank card because I often have a negative balance. No. Instead, they should welcome my overdrawn account as they would a money tree. After a brief pause, Marybelle agreed to remove the alert from my card (despite having already refused) and "let me off with a warning".

Thanks for the HASSLE, Marybelle! What's left in your wallet?